Malam Jum'at Kelabu

Modest doubt is called the beacon of the wise
-William Shakespear

Do you have to have a reason for loving?
-Brigitte Bardot

I approached a kid and asked "what is loved?"  and the kid answered, "love is when a puppy licks your face" I laughed, but then he added, "even after you left him alone all day" 

What do you think if i said "malam jumat"? horror? mengerikan? penuh misteri? atau mungkin menyedihkan?
Kayanya yang terakhir itu khusus buat gue malam ini. ya, malam ini gue jadi anak gaul jakarta eh atau mungkin anak galau jekarda? gimana engga, diliat dari latar tempat dan waktunya ini gue lagi bermetamorfosa haha. gue inget ini tempat pertama kali gue keluar malem sama dia cuma buat ngerjain tugas biologi yang paling dia benci. malam itu gue ragu karna jarang banget buat gue keluar nalem kaya gitu dan ada hal yang buat gue semangat selain dia yang akan ada disamping gue, that night there is a beautiful moon. and I don't know why I loved moon, cloud, sky, star. everyrhing.  dan dia foto bulan itu buat gue karna dia tau gue suka banget sama hal hal kaya gini. and he did it. he make me feel so life!
and if you ask me why i'm here tonight. i wait for him. he said he want break up. and i feel so sad :( i dunno what to do. pain, hurt, ache, ill. yes thats what i feel tonight, i'll wait him till he came to meet me here. tonight is a 8 pm and i still want to wait him. but you know? he not come if he doesn't come till 8.30 pm. i'll go home.

Ma OLD PAL

Tonight. yes. I wrote this post at night. Entah kenapa sekarang gue lebih suka nulis di blog ini daripada nulis diary (udh ilang juga sih), mungkin karena tulisan gue jelek atau bisa juga gue males nyentuh hal hal sebangsa buku, that's suck.
Malam ini gue iseng bongkar bongkar isi perut ini notebook karena emang minggu minggu ini gue lagi bete banget gak ada kerjaan, nganggur, gadis kesepian, imaji gue selalu bikin hati gue gak tenang. daripada gue berakhir jadi manusia seribu pulau lagi yang kurus ceking karna mikirin hal yang belum tentu terjadi, jadi gue nyari kesibukan sendiri dengan melampiaskan rasa bosanku padamu blog! ha-ha. Gue juga lagi suka hunting video di youtube dan nambah koleksi video clip gue. dan ternyata ada di suatu folder yang sudah lama tak terjamah oleh jemariku ini terdapat seonggok video yang buat gue mungkin memalukan (disaat umur gue masih seumur jagung) tapi seekarang malah jadi suatu kebanggan buat gue karna gue tau dulu gue sempet bahagia dan bebas berekspresi sama temen temen gue yang gue panggil TK (Taikebow) don't ask more...
Dulu gue deket banget sama yang namanya elfa, she's really nice to me, best pal i've ever had (waktu itu) dia mau gila bareng gue dan mau juga nanggung malu didepan umum saat aura gila gue keluar. oh god! so miss that moment :(

Mungkin kalian mau liat salah satu dari video gue sama dia? ini salah satu yang gue anggap masih normal, ada 4 video yang beda dari ini tapi itu bisa dibilang bener bener aib bagi gue. ya, AIB...

Miss you so Fa...

Barbekyu yuhu~

Hey! Finally the final exam is finish!!! whoaaa so happy!
alright, today i want to share my moment yeah walaupun udah kehitung lama tapi baru sempet nge post. yaa hitung hitung gue lagi nggak ada kerjaan sore ini dan gue lagi bete... ok then!

Malem minggu. ngedenger kata itu pasti pikiran kalian langsung kearah orang yang lagi kasmaran, jatuh cinta, ke taman berduaan atau kalo yang gaul ke emol emol gitu. tapi kalo bagi gue engga. malem minggu itu waktunya buat have fun! gak peduli sama siapapun atau kemanapun yang penting gue seneng walaupun cuma ke pulau kapuk dan berduaaan dengan hp *miris. intinya gue harus seneng gamau tau! (maksa)

nah malem minggu kali ini gue mau bakar bakaran, bukan bakar rumah atau bakar orang (walaupun gue mau *whoops) melainkan bakar ayam... sosis... ikan... hmm yummy~

Oh yaa... ini adalah tersangka tersangka pembuat asap tebal!!!

Dan ini adalah baby (yang pake baju kuning) dia jadi cowok idaman di malam itu... liat aja gayanya udah kaya cover boy profesional -__- but he's so cute!!! siapa dulu kakaknya, ija (bubaaar-bubaar)

This one so spooky! close your eyes... if you can't see anything after you see this pict, well.... HA-HA!!
yaampun ceman-cemankuu...-____-

Ulumi. 16thn. Gitaris want more (baju biru)
Mariza. 16thn (baru) Pejuang cinta pertama (baju item)

yang ini... UNYU BANGET!!! haha kaya ibu dan bapak rumah tangga yang lagi masak dimana anaknya ditelantarin dan itu sungguh... menyentuh -_- okay okay let's skip.

 Sexy? Seksi? Seksoy? SEKSEEEH!!!

Ok i thinks it's enough...
bye bye and see you on the next post!!! love ya :)

Fish and Water

Ikan gak bisa hidup kan tanpa adanya air?
Air juga akan sepi kan kalo nggak ada ikan?
Tapi apa bisa ikan dan air hidup bersama tanpa adanya wadah yang menampung mereka?

Disini... gue ibaratkan ikan yang gak bisa hidup tanpa air. siapa airnya? he's my shine now, Fajar.
dan wadahnya itu adalah hubungan kita. kalau wadahnya kuat mungkin air di dalamnya nggak akan tumpah dan ikannya pun gak akan mati. dan sebisa mungkin gue menjaga wadah itu. kita yang menjaga. KITA

kenapa gue memilih untuk membahas ikan dan air?
karena bintang gue adalah Pisces dan bintang dia adalah Aquarius.

Dia udah memberi kesegaran dalam hidup gue yang cukup gerah selama ini. air selalu dibutuhkan sama semua orang, begitu juga dia. dia selalu dibutuhkan banyak orang termasuk gue. gue sayang banget sama dia, banget. dan ok gue tau kalo ini gak baik kalau sewaktu waktu dia ninggalin gue. entah kenapa gue emang ngerasa kaya ikan yang sangat butuh sama air.
Bahkan nama gue pun mengandung namanya dia. Usha = Fajar

I'm here watch you... I want touch you, but I can't... Just can't
I'm hearin what you say... I want say it too, but I just can't make a sound...
I'm standin here... I want reach you, but I can't move my feet...

I know what you are, who you are, like what you are. I understand you, but I just can't show it to you. I want, I want you to know but I just don't know how....

Tapi gue juga gamau kalau dalam wadah itu bukan cuma ada gue, tapi ada ikan ikan lainnya. gue nggak mau terbagi. kalau memang udah kaya gitu. ikan itu mungkin akan pindah ke air lain dan membuat wadah baru.

As heavy or as complex as any problems that we face, as long as you are faithful. I will always love you...

Memories of Jogja~

Honestly... mau banget ngurusin blog, ya tapi apa boleh buat tangan dan otak gak kompak, mouse gue rusak juga jadi satu alesan yang menguatkan gue untuk gak nyentuh hal hal kaya gini. OK! nevermind lets talk about my... ehm our trip to Jogja, emang sih gak terlalu membahagiakan karena ada LKS (Lembar Kesengsaraan Siswa) but who cares? HA-HA!

Pemberhentian pertama sesampainya di jogja itu kampus UGM.. and what do you think if you look this pict? yap! mereka lagi pesta. Bukan, bukan pesta, mereka lagi demo apa gituuu, buruh buruh apalah namanya.

Pas masuk UGM nya sih perasaan gue biasa aja... (inner: WOOAAAH INI KAMPUS GUE NANTI!) ya seperti yang gue bilang itu biasa aja. bis gue berenti di depan lapangan luas gitu gatau namanya apa terus rombongan nya digiring sama petugas (no..no.. jangan salah paham-__-) ke suatu ruangan yang penuh dengan lika liku, lembab, lampu yang berkedip kedip, banyak kelelawar bertengger di atap (ok itu cuma imajinasi gue aja ) terus kita dikumpulin ke ruangan yang guede banyak bangku dan cuma ada satu kain gede, gak gede gede banget sih yaaa gitu deh. dan kita disuruh duduk disana. mereka tidak tau betapa gerahnya kita! mereka harus tau apa yang kita rasakan! *ngangkatobor* fine.. kayanya gue terobsesi sama demo tadi, nevermind. setelah selang beberapa waktu, gue mulai merasakan ada keganjalan sama diri gue, gue ngerasa.... laper (antiklimaks). ya sebenernya sih bukan gue aja. temen gue juga akhirnya dengan ide yang sangat cemerlang gue meraih tas gue untuk mengambil...... pensil dan kertas. buat apa? ha ha buat mengenyangkan perut.

 

 

abis dari UGM dengan tidak pengertiannya pengawas rombongan wisata langsung menggiring kita ke suatu tempat. tempat yang panas, banyak air, pasir, guess what? PANTAI~ ohhh betapa senangnya... ok gue tarik perkataan gue yang tadi.

 

  and..... WHO IS THIS?

namanya anak muda pasti kalo kepantai ketemu pasir, dan lagi kasmaran pasti maunya nulis nulis gitchuu deh. harusnya gue ngukir di batu ataugak pohon ya biar susah ilangnya. ini di pasir, kena ombak juga ilang. tapi gapapa gue juga udah nulis kok disuatu tempat dan itu susah buat diilanginnya. ngukir di..... Hati EEAAAAAAA~~

udah bubaar... bubaaaar...

langsung skip aja ya kita ke MALIOBOROOO!!! WHOAAAA~

haha WANTED!

hati hati ini dua fakir asmara yang unyu unyu sedang berburu pasangan. belom ketemu pasangan udah nyari baju buat anaknya aja haha. peace masbroh! oh iya ini temen gue mereka baik banget sama gue, gue gatau apa yang bisa gue perbuat tanpa mereka hiks..hiks.. (dramaQueen)

kalo ngeliat gambar diatas pasti kalian tau itu tempat apa.. yap! benar itu panggung teater. eh salah salah haha itu..... BOROBUDUR~ Yuhuuu udah sampe disini lagi, kangen banget sama ini tempat udah beribu ribu tahun yang lalu terakhir kesini. *abaikan
jarang banget loh ada peristiwa kaya gini di sana. mungkin karna ada gue mereka menyambut dengan ramah tamah hahaha ok abaikan lagi

selanjutya gue ke semarang sebelum ke hotel kedua dan ke pabrik sidomucul gue mampir dulu ke masjid agung. eh apa ke sidomuncul duluan ya baru hotel terus masjid agung? hmm kayanya hotel duluan terus ke sidomuncul baru ke masjid agung. halaaaah ribet yang mana aja deh.

itu namanyaa..... apa ya gatau pokoknya ada di masjid agung.

dan di bis pas perjalanan pulang ada yang kesurupan karena hotel kedua yang kita tempatin itu serem, lembab abis. banyak banget yang kesurupan dan gue gabisa tidur semaleman gara gara itu. kita numpuk jadi satu kamar, satu kamar isinya 12 orang -___- mau ngasih foto tapi gue nya aib tidur pules banget. eh barusan gue bilang gue gabisa tidur ya? haha iya di dlm mimpi gue gabisa tidur maksudnya :p
thanks yah yang udah mau buang buang waktunya buat baca haha bay! eh salah BYE~

Where and Which?

on 3rd of february, I play a game with my close friend, and from that day, the story begins...

100 days... the story from my english book. I read it and suddenly i have a brilliant idea or you can call it crazy idea. And its all happen because of my ex. He leave me just for a stupid reason, the reason is "BORED" and he dont know how much i love him and how much he hurts me that day. I think... I ty... but I had nothing. until...

ok, we call him "Jacob". before Jacob being my boyfriend, he is my bestfriend. he had a same problem with me, so I usually shared my problem with him. he do the same thing to me. one day I tell him my crazy idea, and I dont believe it when he accepted my idea. 3 february - 13 mei. 

SUNDAY Our first date is so fun. we go to the cinema and on that day i feel like my problem is gone. He look so happy too. 
MONDAY And the next day when the school finish he take me home and my ex saw me. So he beg on me for come back to his life. i just ignored him because my heart still hurts.
TUESDAY he take me home again and my ex still beg on me. and night Jacob ask me to help him on his work, i accepted. we go to sevel and go to puri to watch young people in love there. and 10pm we back home.
WEDNESDAY he ask me to have lunch and i agreed.
THURSDAY i go to my friend's home. and i'm not me him
FRIDAY i feel so pity with my ex so I agreed to he pick me up after school. and I'm not see Jacob again
SUNDAY I go to the cinema with my ex. just to make him happy. and after that i go with Jacob to Puri again for do some work of school, and we play at funcity. that night i made Jacob blush hahaha... thats so funny.
MONDAY all my friends in class know now. i had a relationship with Jacob. and from this day I feel something strange... Jacob says he likes me and he comfort with me. So do I. but, in my mind i feel so pity with my ex who tried so hard just to get me back.
if you ask me what i feel now.. my answer is FLAT
Jacob said "i'm afraid to fall in love with you, because I know, its just a game"
my Ex said "I will wait for you no matter will happen I still love you"
and my heart said "Which one I choose? the OLD life? of the NEW life? Where should I go? to the PAST? or to the FUTURE?
I'm afraid of karma... because karma is exist.

AND NOW ( TUESDAY ) 14th february... I still afraid and confused with my decision.. What should I do? Where should I go? Which one I choose? 

-------------------------------------

Hello i'm back and.... i guess now i know where to go and what i'm supposed to do.
now i choose JACOB! :) i feel comfort with him...
WEDNESDAY after school, he take me to his house. and then we go to puri again just for fun. after that we have dinner at blok s
THURSDAY me and my ex go to roxy. and i got a bad news, my mom is sick. so we go to hospital. and the night jacob take me to my friend house for practise guitar. i give him my parfume.
FRIDAY after school my stomach is so hurt. i feel i'm hungry. so he ask me to eat meatball with him. after we arrived at my home. my mom is in hospital, i'm so sad to hear that. so we go to hospital and have a dinner there.
now... 18th february ( SATURDAY ) hmm..... i'm so happy this day!!!!!!
 

this is not me anymore

Have you ever felt like... that is your body, but inside is not you? everything has changed, since that day.. i decided to turned into a good, nice, and wise girl. but in fact i cant do that. in same time i feel so weird, my heart said "hey, its not me"
some people said "this life only once, we are also still a teenager for what we are serious in a relationship? we must focus on the lesson. It is important at this time"

Now.. i felt so weird, very weird. what can i do? i'm happy with him, but now he's changed. i love him, but now . i'm confused. I felt uncomfortable with him again. I can't be myself anymore. I feel like a doll that should continue to hold and cover up my emotions. and thats slowly hurts me. but i loved him very much, what should i do?